Despite reports that Vice President Dick Cheney fell asleep during a cabinet meeting last week, certain facts have surfaced to disprove this allegation. A Cheney spokeswoman told CNN that the vice president was practicing meditation during the California Wildfire Meeting. And while at first, the prospect of rigid Dick going zen seems preposterous, it is much closer to the truth than some might think. Vice President Cheney was, in fact, in 'Hibernation Mode.'
If you have noticed something slightly amiss with the current Uber Vice President Dick Cheney these days, you are not alone.
Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney went in for yet another heart surgery earlier this month. Or so we were told. No, my fellow Americans, there is something much more insidious going on here. Dick Cheney did not have “heart surgery.” Mr. Cheney went in for service repairs.
You see, Dick, a member of the former Nixon and Ford White Houses, a powerful presence in Congress during the Reagan administration and Secretary of Defense for President George H.W. Bush (a great former V.P. in his own right), Dick Cheney proved too valuable to his country to lose to his inevitable heart failure.
Always a fan of Japan - vomiting aside - President George H. W. Bush marveled at the small island nation’s grasp of technology. Coupled with his love and devotion to his friend, and never wanting to be without Dick, President Bush commissioned the Robo-Cheney Project.
With the low-end technology of the day, the Robo-Cheney Project was never fully realized by Bush the Elder. He did, however, have mild success with Operation: Cloning Dick in the early 1990’s.
The Robo-Cheney Project, obviously barred by the pro-human Clinton administration, was put back online once the heir-apparent, child-king George W. Bush was called into office. And just in time. Having never perfected the cloning process, the Cheney clones that had been running Halliburton were running out at a rate of 3 per day by 1998.
Once back in the White House, access to the long dormant Robo-Cheney facility, combined with modern technologies brought the Robo-Cheney Project to full realization. Using partially cloned materials and a skeletal frame made of the highest density materials, Robo-Cheney often and frequently works like a charm.
Slight... “back fires” we’ll call them, such as sucker-punching the President (did you really think he choked on a pretzel?) or shooting his handlers in the face while trying to re-align his targeting software, do happen from time to time. But keeping such incidents out of the major news stream is currently covered by many aspects of the patriot act.
When the Vice President cannot be found in the spotlight, this is the result of Robo-Cheney being called in for service and repairs. It is not a perfected system - as exemplified by last week's 'Hibernation' episode during the wildfire cabinet meeting - but it’s certainly the best we’ve got.
The current whereabouts of the Actual Dick Cheney, or ADC, is unknown.
Yes. He is America’s true defense against terrorism, the titanium backbone of the Project for the New American Century, and the future of this great land. Let’s hear it for Robo-Cheney!
[Robo-Ashcroft currently in production.]
By Austin Wilkin
