Nothing can be worse than a broken promise. Why does it seem like the things we declare at the beginning of the year always come back to haunt us later? Here are some resolutions and resolutions gone wrong for the Republican candidates:
KEYES: Resolve to return to your respect for the principle that makes us free, that we are all created equal and avowed by God with our unalienable rights.
Prediction?: Keyes realizes that all men may be created equal, but he was made superior. He begins a cult.
MCCAIN: Let's raise the level of dialogue and discussion and debate in this campaign. Let's not accuse each other of a lack of patriotism or a lack of character. There are different views on different issues; there are difference in qualification; there are difference in opinion.
Prediction?: McCain finds a newfound love of picking on Romney. He's still pissed about the whole waterboarding disagreement. He also finds that it's much easier to accuse the Democrats of being unpatriotic... not only that, but it's much more fun too.
HUCKABEE: I'm going to be a lot more careful about everything I say, because I find that it gets amplified to a new level, so that's my resolution.
Prediction?: Again, a no brainer. More of Huckabee's missteps come up. His fellow preachers rat him out. His wife turns on him. Even his dog bites him.
ROMNEY: Let's have a resolution amongst all of us that we'll have a spirited campaign, as we have, but we'll come together, come together real soon when this is resolved and we will fight to make sure that one of the people on this stage is the next president of the United States, not one of the people on that Democratic stage you've had more than once.
Prediction?:
Romney is haunted by the ghost of Napolean and wishes he hadn't wished for a "spirited campaign" at all. He spends several weeks bed-ridden, with a fever, covering his head with the blanket, as Ann curses him for being such a whiny baby and reminding him that she's the one with a life-threatening disease.
THOMPSON: Try to be a better man, be strong, have faith. Try to be a better husband and father.
Prediction?: Thompson notices the hot adviser that joined the campaign for the next phase... and before Jeri can fire her, he has a tumultuous affair. In a flurry, he forgets his children are actually his, and not D.A. Arthur Branch's.
PAUL: My advice would be to re-read the oath of office, take it seriously, obey the Constitution. We are well-defended against all enemies foreign. We should be much more careful about defending against the enemies domestic.
Prediction?: Paul throws away the Constitution in favor of The Anarchist's Cookbook.
HUNTER: We've got lots of folks coming back from the Afghan and Iraqi theaters, lots of young people who need jobs. One thing we could do here, just a couple of weeks before Christmas, is buy American goods. And if we buy American goods, we may save the job of our neighbor or provide a job for that young serviceperson.
Prediction?: Hunter was in a rush buying gifts for his kids... and later realizes more than half of them were from China. He then receives a flood of letters from soldiers who remind him they don't want lousy retail / product assembly jobs.
GIULIANI: I would resolve to, all of us, to take a better look at America and realize how lucky we are, how fortunate we are, not to have this kind of pessimistic feeling that some have abroad in this land.
America has accomplished great things. We've faced crises like this before. We've always overcome them. And a sense of optimism is the thing I would wish for.
Prediction?: Giuliani suspects his holiday martini's been spiked with Anthrax. He spends the rest of the night paranoid, frantically dialing Donna Hanover from his cell phone to see if she had anything to do it. His second guess is Putin. His third guess is Islamic Extremists. Then again... there's always the Democrats...
